Pain is a common theme of rebuilding in my life process. I have gone on so long with the theme that if I try hard and do my best I will make it. This theme I feel from my experience is common. I have under utilized the team that works with me at school and it is nobody’s fault but my own. I have not wanted to ask for help whether it be pride or ego. I have done the work but have failed to see that my process is limited because of my lack of willingness to seek out solutions in the context of the group. The group as a whole is much further developed than I am.
Now, with that being said, I have to get busy. I know it doesn’t work anymore. I have to find that willingness to ask for help and make myself somewhat vulnerable. It comes down to this, I do not know if I have what it takes anymore. I don’t think at least I can continue on the direction that I have been heading. I am experiencing an active change in my ideas and attitudes. I am hitting the wall. It can only be a good thing that comes of this. I want so bad to be my own entity. Freedom: financial, living arrangements, free time, hobbies, romance, hope, all of it! The only way it will be possible if I let`my process go and focus on willingness.
Since this post- I have pursued my peers and instructor and have found some insight into the processes that were haunting me. There is a good feeling knowing that I am working with a group of caring individuals. It is the fact that makes education possible. I am forever grateful for all of my colleagues.